Musings and Heartbreak
by wannabewitch610
Summary: How was it possible? One day we Marauders are one. The next one is dead, two are heartbroken, and another is in hiding. October 31, 1981.
1. A Break of the Heart

**Musings and Heartbreak**

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How was it possible? Just…how? Remus is the traitor. It just made sense. Or it didn't. I don't know anymore. But then, who else could be the traitor? Once again, I racked my brain for the answer.

Peter? Too cowardly. James or Lily? Hello, where were you when Dumbledore said Voledmort was going after them and my precious godson, Harry? McGonagall? Well, she's McGonagall, not to mention she spends all her time trying to figure out how to end what she calls the "Marauder influence." As if Marauder influence was a bad thing. Psch!

There simply was nobody else. Plus Moony had been all standoffish toward anyone for the past couple months. Always rushing off randomly to do this thing or that thing for work. Of course, he had no idea that I knew that he didn't have a job. The wizarding world has some of the most close-minded people in it. That must have been what drove Remus of toward Voldemort. Everyone was so nice to him when they first met. Then they found out what he was. Poof! Just like that Remus was a parasite, less than human, dirt. Nevermind that they never had problems with him until they found out.

Still he would have been the last one we suspected. Even-tempered, follow-the-rules, study everyday Remus. He didn't rile up much Snivellus insulted him for being a half-blood and a werewolf. I would have blown Snivelly's ears off for that, but not Remus. Not Remus. He wasn't even that bitter about the wizarding world's treatment of him. I thought he was one in a million. But I guess I was wrong.

I searched for my shoes. I needed to go over to Peter's to tell him about what I had just found out from Remus. It was his coffin in the cement, or whatever those Muggles said. I was never proficient at Muggle Studies. Anyway, Peter needed to know. Voldemort knew that James and Lily were placed under the Filius Charm! All Mauraders, well the true ones anyway, needed to be on high alert! Just because everyone thought I was the Secret Keeper didn't mean that Remus and Voldemort hadn't figured out that Peter was the Secret Keeper.

I grabbed the keys to my motorcycle and bolted out the door. Even in my frenzied rush, I had realized the need for me to appear casual and calm. That was one of the things that Auror training had gotten through to my tiny brain. You could never tell who was watching you these days and I couldn't afford for someone to know that I knew something was amiss.

Peter's house was messy. Clothes everywhere, molded food leftover from Merlin know when on the kitchen counter and on the floor, cockroach shells in the corners, and rows of hundreds of ants fighting to get to the food, the little food that was fresh anyway. I don't know how Peter could stand to live like that. One would think that I, Sirius Black, of all people would live in such squalor. Yes I do know what that word means and it surprises me too! But I'm a neat freak. It's in my genes, the good genes that I inherited from my awful, disgusting repulsive family.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, something was wrong. Peter wasn't there, but he could have been at work. I made my way to the refrigerator, while holding my nose. Peter desperately needed a maid. When this was all over, I'd see to it that James got him one. James had enough galleons for his whole family down to his great grandkids to never work and still live comfortable. Why in hell Prongs ever got a job, much less a stressful job like an Auror, is beyond me.

_Gone to work. Don't worry. Be back in a couple hours. –Peter._

See. I breathed a sigh of relief. He was at work. There was absolutely, positively nothing wrong. Peter was at work and James and Lil-shit! That little piece of shit! Holy damned shit! He couldn't be at work-it was Halloween! Gringotts was _closed_ on Halloween, had been closed on Halloween on Sundays for centuries! And Peter _worked for Gringotts_!

Damn him! Damn him! Damn him to hell and back and then damn him again! I screamed. Screw looking casual and calm! Peter was the freaking traitor-not Remus! Peter! That piece of complete and utter shit, after all we had done for him, he betrayed us!

My heart constricted at the same time that my throat grew tight in dread. I Apparated immediately to Godric's Hollow. I stopped dead. Oh my God. As if in a trance, I took it all in.

The house was in ruins. The frame of the front door was all that remained of the face of the house. The door was blasted off. Must have been by Voldemort. The roof looked as if it were about to collapse any second. Debris was everywhere.

James must have gotten out. He and Lily and Harry are all safe back at Hogwarts. A little shaken but ok. They must be. They have to be. James wouldn't've let Voldemort get to them. And Lily was the best at Charms at Hogwarts. She must have hidden them somehow.

I took a step forward. Slowly I made my way to the house. That's when I saw. Time stopped. It was James…lying there in front of the TB that Lily had made him get.

_He's just sleeping, trying to trick me_, I thought.

Still I ran toward him.

"Prongs. Wake up," I said as I shook him lightly. He didn't move. A seedling of doubt began to grow in my mind. "James," I said a little bit louder. "James! Wake up! It's not funny anymore!" I was shouting by now and shaking him fiercely. But he didn't move.

I staggered forward and knelt at his body. I am the epitome of broken. The vision of desolate despair.

I sat on my knees and cradled his head in my lap. It wasn't a joke. He was de-gone. He wasn't coming back. After all the protection, all the wards and spells, he was gone. Just like that. My eyes welled up with tears. He was dead.

I got up slowly. James was dead, but that didn't mean that Lily and Harry were too. James would've given up his life for them. And if that meant fighting Voldemort to the death himself to give Lily and Harry time to get out, he would. He was an honorable man, James was. I just wish that he had lived long enough for Harry to know him.

A tear trickled down my face. I didn't wipe it. I imagined what James would have said. "Padfoot the Great crying! Victoire! The evil Padfoot has failed! All hail Prongs!" Three more drops of salty fluid rolled down my face as I started toward the stairs to look for Lily and Harry. _Yes, James, the mighty all-powerful Padfoot the Great has fallen._

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_****_Author's Note_**: Did anyone see my metaphor? Peter's house is a mess! Rats live in messes! Yay me, I learned something in English! 

Anyway, if you read (or are reading) Dinner With Voldie and the Escape of the Spies then please bear with me. It's spring break next week so I will definealty overcome my problems by then. I've had to compete state meet (which means no skipping practice), write 2 essays for English, and search for a prom dress (and date). So I've not been slacking off entirely. I am, however, going to try to put up another chapter of Dinner with Voldie and the Escape of the Spies. So again please bear with me.

One last thing: pretty please-with-cherries-on-top review! Even if it is just one word like "the", I will appreciate it and thank you eternally! Wishing you lots of laughter, love, and Harry Potter,

wannabewitch610


	2. And the Crack Deepens

**Musings and Heartbreak**

**Chapter Two: And the Crack Deepens**

I made I to the top of the stairs. Taking a deep breath, I edged toward the first room on the right, the Muggle room.

James had filled it with Lily's "Muggle necessities" as she called them. It had things like the tellyfan and the computerer and most importantly, the TV. The TV was the best thing the Muggles had ever invented, or so I thought. I loved watching the dramas and action packed adventures and the comedies especially. It took my mind off of Voldemort-watching the Muggles and their carefree lives.

What I wouldn't give to be Muggle like the ones on TV. Lily said their lives weren't an accurate portrayal of the real Muggles' lives. But I didn't care. Being a Muggle sounded absolutely grand, especially now. Sure, I wouldn't be able to fly my motorcycle or play Quidditch or a million other things, but at least I'd still have James…

I looked in the room. Nothing. I let out the breath I didn't even know I had been holding. Relief flooded through me like waterfall over a cliff. They had escaped through the Floo to Hogwarts. James didn't die for nothing.

I walked into once amazing fun and laughter-filled room. There was almost nothing left. Pretty much everything had been destroyed during whatever battle that had taken place between James and Voldemort. It must have been some battle to destroy the entire house like that.

I picked up Lily's musical box and wound it up. The box had been given to her by her sister when they were little. Petunia Evans had loved her younger sister. Petunia Dursley however was a completely different story. The music box with its cute little music a tiny unicorn-Lily's favorite animal-was all that Lily had left to remind her of the love that had once existed between her sister and herself. I placed it in my pocket to give to her when I saw her later.

Walking out of the room and across the hall, I thought that I might as well go through what was left of the entire house and see what other irreplaceable items that I could find. Things that couldn't be replaced because their symbolism for Lily and James' loved ones and memories that could not and should not ever be taken away from Lily or Harry-Harry especially. With that goal in mind, I stepped into Harry's nursery.

There were burn marks over all the walls that still stood. The normally tidy room was a wreck, clothes from Harry's drawers were everywhere and Harry's cradle that he rarely used lay on the floor in pieces. And in the corner near the closet lay Lily.

Unbidden my tears rose again and I turned my head. They were supposed to be safe.

"Peter! How could you!" I screamed as my voice broke. Tears began to run down my face uncontrollably as I moved toward Lily. I saw her blank lifeless eyes-eyes that should be filled with laughter, love, and occasionally anger as James and I take Harry on yet another broom ride. Now they were filled with terror and shock. And her mouth that should be smiling with joy and laughing in amusement at James and my antics was still formed in the shape of an 'O.' Poor Lily, poor James, their lives had just begun.

"Wah!"

I gasped as I looked toward the closet to find…Harry! He was in a blanket and looked extremely uncomfortable. He had a jagged scar on his forehead that was bleeding. "Poor Harry," I whispered as I took out my wand. "_Scourgify_." The blood on Harry's head cleared instantly. He had a scar in the shape of a lighting bolt on his head. I comforted Harry, as I wondered what could have possibly caused the scar.

I sat down with my back on the wall and Harry in my arms. He was calming down and looking like he was going to sleep. _How lucky_, I thought, _to be a baby and be able to put all your troubles behind_ _you_. I looked around the room and I saw a curious robe on the ground. It was black with the crest of Slytherin on it. I recognized it as Voldemort's. But where was he? Where was the bastard who killed Lily and James and left Harry an orphan? Where did he go?

Then I noticed a pile of nasty-looking grey dust. I glanced at Harry who had been looking at me with those huge innocent emerald eyes of his…Lily's eyes…And above those expressive eyes was his newfound scar…

Could it be? Maybe Harry, a mere baby, finally defeated the Dark Lord, that evil git, Voldemort! For the first time since finding out that Peter betrayed us all, I smiled. The most evilest and vile of the Dark Lords in the history of the world had been defeated-by a one-year-old baby. The world was saved. But at what cost?

And I sat like that for what seemed like hours. My few straggling tears turned to sobs. James and Lily…Lily and James…gone…forever…

I heard howling through my sobs. Who the hell was it? It had better not be some rubbernecking Muggle…I dried my eyes and went downstairs. It was Hagrid.

"I reckon yeh heard," he said softly with steady tears rolling down his humongous cheeks. He was a good man with a big heart. He didn't deserve to be just a gamekeeper. He deserved so much more.

"Yeah."

He sniffed. "I see yeh've got Harry. Could I have him? Dumbledore sent me to get the little tyke."

I stiffened. Take Harry away from me? He was all I had now. I'd driven Remus away from me…and James and Lily…and Peter betrayed us all…

My face turned ugly as I grew angrier and my hatred for Peter and what he had done grew. We were his friends. What had we done to deserve Peter's treachery? Nothing!

"Sirius. Sirius. SIRIUS!" I snapped back into reality.

"Could I please have Harry now?"

"No, James and Lily made me his godfather. I'll take him."

"Dumbledore said tha' he was ter stay with Lily's sister," said Hagrid firmly. God, that man was loyal to a tee. He would go till the ends of the earth for Dumbledore-for anyone that he loved actually, but for Dumbledore especially.

"But I am his godfather. And Lily said that he was not to go to his sister's house under any circumstances," I insisted.

Hagrid looked at me kindly. "Sirius, I'm sorry, but Dumbledore said tha' he's got ter go to teh Dursleys. Now, yeh should get sum rest and talk with Dumbledore in about a week. Hopefully things will have calmed down sumwhat. Harry'll be fine for just a week with yeh."

I sighed. Hagrid was right. Harry'd be safe at the Dursleys for a week and then I could come and collect him. Besides this gave me time for what I needed to do. I shoved Harry over to Hagrid before I could change my mind.

"Take him. He doesn't need to be coming with me anyway for what I'm gonna be doing."

Hagrid looked at me with a question on his face. But then he shook his head no, as if he was thinking don't even bother with it.

"Alrigh' Sirius. Yeh did the righ' thing. Have a rest-yeh look like hell," said Hargrid. He began to walk away towards the road.

"Hagrid wait," I said. "Take my bike. I don't need it anymore."

"Yeh sure?" asked Hagrid. Everyone knew how I loved my motorcycle. It was my pride and joy.

"Yeah," I replied. "It'll be quicker. Safer too."

"Alrigh'," agreed Hagrid. "I'll take it back ter Howarts with me and yeh can pick 'er up there."

Sadly, I watched as Hagrid and Harry flew away on my bike. I stared and stared until I could star no more. Just as I was turning around I heard a loud CRACK!

In an instant my wand was in my hands and I was shooting off Stunning Spells wildly in every direction.

"Sirius, its me," I heard a voice say quietly. I recognized the voice. It was Remus Lupin, my only best friend that I had left. Although, if he still saw me as a best friend, I don't know. I would certainly deserve to be shunned by him.

I had betrayed him time and time again. I still remembered the time in our Hogwarts days when he refused to speak to me-acknowledge my presence even-after the incident with Snape and the Whomping Willow. I swore the moment he had begun to say anything to me that I would never ever betray him again. He went through so much hardship with his lycanthropy and all and he didn't need me making things worse.

And now I had. I had thought the worst of him and without a shred of definite proof. What's worse, is that I treated him shabbily because of it. I ignored him and taunted him. I should've known that he wouldn't rile up. He was an honorable man, Moony was-and still is.

I turned around and grabbed Remus by his shoulders. He was surprised, I could tell. To an average person, Remus was as impassive with his emotions as Dumebledore. But I knew better.

"I'm so sorry Remus. Iwas wrong and I'm so so sorry. Now James and Lily are…d-d-dead and Harry doesn't have parents. And it's all my fault"

"Sirius stop. What're you sorry for? You didn't to anything. At least I don't think you did," he said narrowing his eyes.

"Remus, " I cried desperately, "There was a switch…and Peter," I growled. I had to go get him.

"I'll be back Remus. Just go talk with Dumbledore. I have to go kill a rat."

He was confused. I know he was. Who wouldn't be? But I had to go get him. I just couldn't stand it any longer. Voldemort may be gone, but Peter-that disgusting piece of vermin that I can't believe I ever called my friend wasn't dead yet. And if I knew Peter like I know I did, he's probably already heard of the demise of Voldemort and trying to find a place to hideout until everything dies out.

Well, not this time. This time, I'm going to make sure that Peter Robert Pettigrew would pay. Nobody betrays the Marauders without paying the price. Snape and all the other Slytherins learned it in Hogwarts. And it was time for Peter to pay the price. I apparated away to my house.

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please review! review! review! review! I'm desperate for reviews! 

wishing you lots of laughter, love, and Harry Potter,

wannabewitch610


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